Let there be Blogging!

Hello Reader!

I am going to preface this by saying: Yes, I do not shy away from using gratuitous curse words. I think they are quite powerful and I also think when used properly it's effective in getting my point across through blunt omg-did-i-just-read-that? shock. Plus, it can be as funny as hell.

In addition, if you do not understand or have difficulty with the following terms:

1. Verbal irony
2. Subtle sarcasm
3. Hyperbole
4. Creative exaggeration
5. 1st Constitutional Amendment

Then, I suggest you learn them quickly in the next few sentences because you will more than likely be confused and offended. So that's my disclaimer. You have been warned--like it or leave it. If you leave, then in my opinion, you're gonna be missing out.

Because this blog is going to be fucking awesome.

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I am currently a student at the Culinary Institute of America at Hyde Park, NY. Why I am writing this blog? Because the chefs who come from here are one of a kind.

Who really cares? Well, you should care because this person might actually be putting food down your throat one day...and you wouldn't ever trust a total stranger to put something in you, would you? "I mean, what else do you put in someone's body?" (BTW, for all you foodie bookworms, yes, that quote is from Buford's Heat, so don't go around saying the P word).

So what do I mean when I say that chefs who come from the CIA are one of a kind? Do I believe that we are the best?

Well, hell yeah! I paid a freaking ton of cash to be here, so it better be the best education a would-be chef can get. One year costs approximately ~$25,000. And I'm going to be here for at least two years, if not four. Do you know how many slices of Brooklyn Di Fara's margherita pizza that is? A shit-ton. (For you metric users, that's shite-tonne.) No wonder they call it the CIA--Cash in Advance. (ba-dum crash!)

Money aside, I do believe that the CIA has some world-class chefs and instructors. It has the reputation of being the Harvard of culinary schools. And trust me, reputation goes a LONG way in this industry (more on that another time).

But...

For a school with the reputation of Harvard, it sure has its share of incredulous dumbasses, unbelievable idiots, legendary fools, epic emos, and oh yeah, just pure-mental crazies on crack.

THESE CRAZY PEOPLE ARE MAKING YOUR FOOD! FOOD THAT YOU WILL IN GOOD FAITH SWALLOW? Does this not concern you at all?

Which brings me to the reason of why this is an anonymous blog. ANONYMOUS. Posting this on my Facebook, though it would make for some interesting scar stories, would certainly have undesirable repercussions.

Now, readers will fall into two groups: 1)Poor saps who stumbled upon this mistakenly by looking for some disillusioned Central Intelligence Agency blogger, or 2) friends (or friends of friends) who I have personally invited to read my blog because I believe my life here is just so darn more interesting than yours. (I jest, I jest!--please do still consider investing in me in the future.) So please SUBSCRIBE, I won't invite/ask again.

Oh and when leaving comments, never refer to any part of my real name. Do not give hints that will lead my enemies to me. If you want to mail me something, bake it in a cake and pretend its from my aunt. They will skin me, stuff me, roast me, and carve me for the next day's grand buffet for the things I will be saying about them.

Suggested aliases: The Great One, Master of the Universe, Dr. Awesome, Lord Vader, etc. But I will also accept Chef-Sous, because not only is that a clever pseudonym and homophone, it means "Chef Under." And right now, I am under a bunch of crap. Debt, pressure, 4 part-time jobs, chef-instructors, books, etc...you name it, and I will somehow be under it--especially when the shit hits the fan.

So yeah, that's me. Chef-Sous. A guy who had a quarter-life crisis, changed careers, and became a culinary student extraordinare blogging about the underbelly of the Culinary Institute of America from his dingy dorm room shared with an alcoholic and a 6'6" giant that could crush my head with his biceps. So enjoy and take a shower after every time you read my blog.

I do.